February Funk 2011 (or Slowly Emerging From the Muck)

by Dian Reid-Jancic· Follow Dian on

I’ve been referring to the last month as February Funk 2011, but after spending some time emerging from said funk, I’m beginning to realize it began much earlier. I peeked back into January and saw nothing specific, so I dug way back into December, and single date glared back at me through a tiny peephole in my memory.

December 16. The middle of Reverb 10.

The year prior in the Best of 09 Blog Challenge, I found my self frothing at the fingertips to write about each prompt. It was a chance to look back over my year, remember what was good about it, and practice my writing by sharing with a community, new and amazing to me. I expected Reverb 10 to affect me in a similar fashion, but I was in a much different place in December 2010 than in 2009, as will happen over the course of a year.

In 2009 I was bright eyed and bushy-tailed about the year to come and all the rewards I’d find on my path. In 2010 I’d build my business and have so many clients I’d have to create a waiting list until I could hire a team of amazing coaches to be able to accommodate them all. I’d be swimming in buckets of cash doing whatever I damn-well pleased, with profits from eBooks and speaking engagements and collaborations and affiliates and whatever abundance of greatness the Universe had in store for me. “Bring it, 2010!” I taunted.

But when it came time to look back on 2009, I saw none of what I’d intended for myself. I had clients, but certainly not enough to wait-list any newcomers, let alone hire any kind of team. I had the draft of an eBook, but it just hadn’t come together the way I’d hoped it would. I had few collaborations, fewer affiliates, no speaking engagements, and was hard pressed to see any abundance in greatness the Universe had bestowed upon me. So when I sat in the middle of December and stared at Reverb 10’s 16th prompt (and a blinking blank computer screen), I felt defeated, deflated, demised. The Universe had let me down. Or had it?

While I sensed that I had more to do with my lack of growth than the Universe, I chose to simply push forward and write my Reverb 10 posts when they didn’t have me addressing the growth that never was in 2010. The posts that followed were few and far between, and lacked the substance I typically require of myself when I sit down to write: my heart.

The thing is, that prompt had nothing to do with my growth or my successes or failures or what I wanted for the year to come. The prompt had to do with friendship.

“How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?”

~ Martha Mihalick, via Reverb 10

I’d recognized this initially, but in floating down the rabbit hole of the friendship that had changed me, I felt completely blocked and insecure and angry and frustrated and scared and lame. Which tapped into how I’d felt about my business beneath the surface all year long. So rather than deal with the friendship issue, I chose to mask it with my business issue. Which led to a choice by way of avoidance to not deal with the business issue, either. Which of course, wasn’t a business issue at all, but a Dian issue. A me issue. An issue I continued to avoid, refusing to dig into until several events knocked me on my ass and forced me to take inventory and subsequent action.

Enter, February Funk 2011. I finished a rigorous 90-day workout program, wherein I lost pounds of fat, inches and a pant-size, while putting on pounds of muscle. I rewarded myself with a spiritual body-work session to release toxins I’d been holding on to, and flush them out of my system. The next day came down with the flu, which knocked me out of commission for about 10 days. I hadn’t been that sick in nearly three years. As my flu faded, I braved the outdoors and fresh air to witness some friends finish a half-marathon in Huntington Beach. I also bore witness to a man dropping to the ground from seizures and possibly a heart attack less than 50 yards from the finish line, which sunk me deeper into my funk, bringing me deep into the dark last days of my father’s life. Just a few days later, all that I’d put off in that friendship that had changed me came exploding into my consciousness, forcing me to see that it needed immediate addressing (or dressing, like a wound that refused to heal on its own). And this, on the same day my favorite client quit.

I felt like I might never emerge from the depths of whatever learning the Universe had laid before me. I began to question my purpose in business, my place in life, and wondering what the hell I’m doing here at all.

I can be quite dramatic when I’m feeling the funk.

::

The flu has now lifted itself from me completely, and I find myself sifting through February Funk 2011 and the actions (and inactions) leading up to it, trying to answer the question: What’s the learning here? Ah, yes. The learning. I find it’s easier to ask my clients this question than to answer it myself.

I’m not in a place of answering just yet, but more in a place of curiosity. And not a curiosity of going back inside just yet, but in a place of curiosity that has me sharing my experience, wondering what others see, what they have to offer in the way of insight and conversation. So far, opening up to Mynde Mayfield and Alana Sheeren has begun to heal my soul. Sure, they had words of wisdom, speaking of fallows and community and honoring and being. But that’s not what’s healing me right now. What’s healing me is simply speaking the words to willing ears and open hearts. Allowing myself to be heard.

Part of what I was funking through was solitude. Feeling alone. Feeling like nothing and no one could feel how I felt nor understand a smidge of what was happening to me. Not the events, but the insecurities, the doubts, the judgments. I’d allowed voices in my head to dictate my thoughts and feelings and assumptions, which created a vicious swarm of madness amongst my already flu-filled brain cells. Simple, right? Just stop listening to the voices. I don’t know about the voices that speak to you in your funk, but mine don’t relent easily. It would taking sitting in the funk, allowing it to take hold and render me useless for a while in order for me to emerge from it. Slowly.

Very. S..l..o…w….l…..y.

::

As I emerge, I’ll be sharing this story with you. It’s important. Not because I’m important and therefore, so is my story. But because you are important, and I hope you can allow your own story to emerge by connecting with mine.

What I know so far: It’s not the Universe that’s let me down.

You dig?

  • Anonymous

    I dig! I so totally and completely dig!! I’ve got tears in my eyes – a lump in my throat and my heart just opened up like wild…

    oh, Dian — this is the thing I love about sharing truths, about opening up – and yet it ‘s the thing I forget over and over: We’re NEVER alone in what we’re going through (and I’m not talking from a spiritual standpoint, though I believe that too). We can FEEL like we’re alone and/or dealing with stuff others won’t “get”, but it’s never true – and when one of us (thank you, thank you Dear Courageous Dian) opens up and speaks truth a whole fricking lot of us tear up, get lumps in our throats and feel our heart biggering because we’re there or have been there too…

    On my own journey I keep finding that, even when I can see (intellectually) stuff like what you mentioned – that it might be helpful to “stop listening to the voices” and even “It’s not the Universe that let me down” – I still need to sit/stay/flop “in the funk” (as you said) to get out of it.

    Not sure what that’s about (and part of me complains that I must *want* to be miserable/whine/suffer), but I’m starting to respect that part of my process – that I spend time in the depths before bringing up treasure…

    It means the world to me to read your description of the experience (back to the BIG thing) – it’s like you wrote in the sky: “Karen, It’s not just you.” Thank you so much!

  • Anonymous

    As one looking in from the outside, and having witnessed you in person in 2009, 2010 and 2011 (wow!), I have a different perspective. Was your 2010 what you’d designed? Maybe yes, maybe no. I see a depth — acceptance and commitment to yourself and those around you –that appears to be growing strong roots. The fruits will blossom in time, but those roots are going to sustain you and your growth as you create your legacy.

  • the deeper and longer the fallow, the bigger the bounty of harvest.

    so important the sharing here. so, so important. thank you!

  • Dian – I am honored to be here, reading your words, just as I was honored to be sitting across from you hearing them. Thank you for trusting all of us with your story. I agree with Mynde – the gifts from this time will continue to come.

  • Mrsmediocrity

    Oh my, I totally dig, as in I get everything you are saying and at the same time, digging myself out of my own muck. I don’t think I’ve ever had a February funk like this past one, and it seems like so many other people had the same experience. The shortest month became the longest month. Ever.
    But it will pass, it is already passing, and yes, there will be learning. And also, for you, a hug.

    • Hug received =) (Learning still flowing)

  • Dian- Your openness and honesty is a true encouragement to me and as you can see from the comments, so many others. I am continually amazed at how, like (Square Peg) Karen said above, our stories connect us all together and help us experience feelings that we need, but may not want, to confront.
    I was in the depths of a funk at the end of last year, and have emerged feeling like I have learned so many lessons. I know you will look back on the past few months and see the beauty that was, at the time, the pain. Thank you for being sharing your heart and connecting us all together.
    I cannot wait to read more!

    • Thank you, Jennifer, I’m so glad this resonated with you and others. Sometimes it’s “easier” to bury my head in the sand, but I know in reality it’s easier to find comfort in community. Thanks for being in my community =)

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