When I Met Me

by Dian Reid-Jancic· Follow Dian on

Note: Today’s post is a guest post from CanuckJacq over at the Big Gay Closet. I asked her to share her experience in coming out as it relates to her authentic reality, and she graciously obliged. Here’s what she had to say:

When I realised I was gay, I was delighted.

I shouldn’t have been.

I come from a conservative family who even now — more than a decade later — still struggle with accepting my identity. I was studying to be a minister in an evangelical Christian church. A lot of my friends were very religious. I stood to lose a lot.

I did lose a lot, actually.

I should have been devastated.

And yet? I was euphoric. I think it was the first true thing I knew about myself. I had spent over 20 years ridiculously unaware of me. My whole life had been decided by what I thought other people wanted.

I had such an absent sense of self that I was eight the first time I contemplated suicide. I was 21 when I actually attempted it.

It wasn’t long afterwards that my life took another dramatic turn which saw me temporarily homeless and crashing with the people who I have to credit with opening my eyes and showing me myself.

The sunny, summer day I walked into town and told all my friends I was gay, was really the first day of my life.

I said I lost a lot of things. I lost my vocation. I lost a couple friends. I certainly lost any illusion of closeness with my parents who scold me if I bring up anything to do with me being gay.

But I gained so much more. I learned who my friends really were. I learned that much of my extended family is incredible and accepting and I should have told them much sooner than I did. Most of all, I learned who I am. I started making decisions based on what I wanted instead of what I thought others would want me to do.

I was able to fall in love and have one of those loves most people only dream of.

These days, a lot of people have far more positive coming out experiences — accepting parents, helpful schools, affirming churches — but still, plenty will still face the same separations that I’ve experienced.

While it’s not ideal, it’s still better than living separate from yourself.

CanuckJacq is the owner of the Big Gay Closet blog because, really, she prefers not to sleep. Also, she loves reading other people’s coming out stories, and this was one way of doing just that without appearing nosey.

Get It Right Image used under Creative Commons License via: CC BY 2.0

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