Since my little crash a little over a week ago, things have changed around my house. The first few days were spent trying to calm down my anxieties at the idea of losing all of my files. Then I went into panic mode of realizing just how many files I’d lose if my data is not recoverable (I still have no word on yay or nay as of the writing of this post). In between panics and anxieties, I managed to calm myself down with the reminder that everything is as it should be, and regardless of what happens, I will not die, nor will the core of my being be changed for evermore. Unless…
Unless of course I’m practicing what I “preach” in my question to clients across the nation: What’s the learning here? There is learning no matter where I go. In everything I do, in everything I say. Rather than focus on the situation I’m in, how can I put my attention more on the learning as a result of this situation? So this is where I sit right now.
What’s the learning here? But before I can know what there is to learn, I have to create awareness. First comes awareness, then comes mindfulness (I believe this is the learning stage), and then comes the action (applying what I’ve learned). When I go into action before I go through the other steps, I miss the learning and end up prolonging the growth. I know this of myself. I know that I have a tendency to step right into action, full-bore, with every intent to make up for any action I’ve not yet taken—act now, apologize (to myself) later. But this will simply not do anymore…
Awareness. I spend a lot of time on my laptop. A lot. From 8 in the morning until (at least) 6 in the evening. Which may seem right; I’m a writer. Which would seem right, if what I was doing was spending most of that time on the laptop writing. I realize upon reflection, that I spend a great deal of time checking, rather than writing. Checking my email. Checking Twitter. Checking Facebook. Checking comments here. Checking Google Reader. Checking my Brazen Careerist networks and posts. It’s not that these things are wholly bad. But my system of checking it all is.
I go to write and I need to look up a word, so I open a new tab or window. My home page pops up, and I see Google Reader. I see that so-and-so has just posted a blog, and I open it up. I read and it’s an amazing blog, just as I suspected. So I comment. In the comments I see a commenter who’s made an interesting point. So I click her link, which takes me to that blog. I skim. It’s worth subscribing to, so I do. And then I notice the “Follow me on Twitter” link. Which I click, and then I follow. And that reminds me to check my Twitter. Which shows me an interesting tweet. I engage. Then I check my Wonderful Women list, which always has a great new blog post to link to, whether it’s theirs or someone’s they’re sharing. And before I realize it, it’s an hour and twenty minutes later, and I still need to find the right word to use, which was the whole reason for looking anything up to begin with.
Without judgement, this is the awareness I’ve created since I have no laptop by which to be distracted.
Mindfulness. Do any of these distractions help me? They do when they’re not distractions. I wonder what I did before my laptop. Before I was this active on Twitter and Facebook and blogging, in general. Before all of that, I focused. I could be inclined to throw the baby out with the bath water here since all of these things seem to be distracting me from what’s really important to me. But these things that distract me, I really enjoy them. So I realize I need to make time for them.
I love the connections I’ve made in the last few months to some truly amazing people. I love that I learn from these people and connections. I love being a part of a community that gives and receives and supports and feels and shares. I love that I’m just a click away from reading an article that stirs my mind in the most thoughtful or jarring or sweet or heartfelt way. I love that I’m not limited to communication with just the people in my own town or the people I’ve personally come into contact with. I love that I can maintain connections and relationships, both business and personal, via this tiny white machinery that sits in my lap, and the technology designed for it. I am most certainly not willing to give all of that up.
I am also unwilling to give up myself. My self—at least part of her—is a writer, and her heart, her soul, her spirit is fed by words on a page, transferred from thought to existence. My writing shows me that my life is all for something, and that something is sharing. It is not all good, it is not all bad, and still it is all real. It’s all what I went through, it’s all what you go through. We do not have the same experiences, but we do have the same emotions. You express them your way, and I express them mine. By you sharing yours, I can relate to you. And by me sharing mine, you can relate to me. I believe it makes us feel more together, more substantial, more grounded, more understood, more gratified, more resilient…more human.
So, now with this learning, this mindful awareness of what’s really happening in my life, what action will get me from where I am to where I want to be? What action lies in the gap of here and there?
Action. I want to keep the connections, and I want to continue the writing. I realize that before the laptop I did a crazy thing. I used a pen. I used a spiral notebook. I held the pen to the paper in the notebook and I stroked up and down, side to side…can you believe I made words appear on a page without the use of a keyboard or a printer? I could hardly believe it myself. I’ve resorted to this archaic way of expressing myself, and I can’t believe the outcome.
I putting pen to paper and scribbling it all out, I have time to think. Time to think gives me time to feel. Time to feel creates connection. And that connection, that raw emotion that comes from the time and the thinking and the feeling and the connecting…that’s when the writing is good. That’s when the writing is what people can relate to and feel some sort of connectedness to being human. I know this in my head and I’ve known it all along. Now I feel it, now I put it into action.
It takes more time, it’s true. But I’d rather have more quality than more quantity. The clichés are running amok in my head right now. But I stick with one that sticks with me: Actions speak louder than words, especially when it comes to putting them thoughtfully, rawly on the page versus using keyboard-tapping-vomit to get it all out. And so, this is where I am today. Spending more time writing by hand, and less time clicking away at the computer. Sure, I don’t have a computer to click away at, so I borrow this one to write this note to you now, but I feel like I’m building a muscle. I’m getting stronger. So when I do get my laptop back, I have strength to hold to the boundaries I am now defining, which will allow me to enjoy my distractions and not be bogged down by them.
But enough about me…how do you create and apply your learning?
Pen and Paper photo used under Creative Commons License via: http://www.flickr.com/photos/qisur/ / CC BY 2.0
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