Monday Morning Agreement

by Dian Reid-Jancic· Follow Dian on

I wake up this morning to the sound of Dave Matthews singing softly from my BlackBerry. “Save your sermons for someone who’s afraid to love/If you knew what I feel then you couldn’t be so sure/I’ll be right here lying in the hands of God.” The alarm is not for me, so I hand the phone to Erin so she can decide to dismiss or snooze. She makes her decision quickly. Snooze 5 minutes. She rolls over into my arms and snuggles her cheek into my shoulder, my chest, and I wrap my arms around her. I wish for time to stop and for the next five minutes to find its way into the next five hours, over and over again. But it’s Monday morning and time to get out of bed.

There are animals waiting patiently to be fed and let up on the bed. There are conference calls to participate in. There are clients to be met with. There are drives in the rain to be made. Erin gets up. I get up. Animals are fed. Conference calls are dialed into. Clients are met with. Drives are driven. And now words are written.

I’ve been trying to figure out this past week just what’s happened to me. I had an Aha! moment last week, and now I’m trying to keep myself from diving head-first into a pool that may only be a few feet deep. First…the Aha…

But maybe it’s not so much an Aha! moment as it is a “How could I have let this happen?” moment. Okay, really this time, the moment:

I’ve published 108 posts to date on this site, this one being #108. The Day It All Changed was post #104. As I went to add in links on that post to various other pages, I had trouble navigating to a page I wanted to reference. I went to click on the tag “LGBT”. It wasn’t there. Oh, that’s right. It’s a category, not a tag. I clicked on the category “LGBT”. I knew something bothered me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time. Until a couple of days later when I could.

Back to the 104 posts. Here’s what bothered me. In 104 posts I’ve written just 4 under the category of LGBT (one of them being that 104th post). Four. Glaring.Omission. How could I have let this happen??

I have this sense of myself that I’m a whole human being. Oh, of course, of course, we’re all whole human beings. I mean, I’m not just one part of me. That was kind of the point of that Day It All Changed post. There are all these really great parts of me, and they all make up this really great whole of me.

If you hide that, you’re hiding the best part.
~ Lara to Dana, in reference to her gayness; The L Word

See, I believe that every part of me is the best part of me. At least, this is what I’m stepping into these days. I believe that the parts of ourselves that we think are the worst parts or the parts we don’t like about ourselves are simply the parts that need some TLC. We need to look at the parts of ourselves that we hide and ask, “What am I hiding this beautiful part of myself for?”

Sometimes it’s that I’ve simply overlooked that part of myself because I’ve been so focused on the other parts of myself. Sometimes it’s that I’m not happy with that part of myself and I’m ashamed to share. Sometimes it’s that I’ve neglected that part of myself so much I hardly know it’s there. And sometimes it’s because I’ve neglected that part of myself for so long that it’s now an unkempt, disheveled weed that just won’t go away and I just don’t want anyone to see it.

In the case of my postings, it’s the first of those there excuses.

I could go on and on about why I haven’t posted on this subject or that, but the bottom line (as a coach I’m always asking my clients to bottom-line the story) is that I’ve been omitting various pieces of myself from this blog, partly due to fear, partly due to oversight. So, on this Monday Morning I’ve come to an agreement with myself that I will no longer omit pieces of myself due to fear. I’ve also come to an agreement with myself that I won’t go into overkill mode to try to make up for all the posts I haven’t posted until now (this is where I keep myself from diving into the 3-foot pool of water).

I don’t want to make up for my past; I want to let it go. I want to honor my present; in honoring my present, I’m creating my future and living my dream.

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Square-Peg Karen January.19.2010 at 2.40 am

Love the wisdom here — not walking in fear and also not leaping into 3 ft of water to “make up” for past omissions! Yea – again!!

Julie Daley January.19.2010 at 5.59 pm

“I believe that every part of me is the best part of me.” So simple, yet such wholeness just in this line. It reminds me of a holograph, and that the world is holographic. Each part is the best, and each part is part, and yet all, of you.
I love this post, Dian. It just feels easy, yet straightforward; wise, yet simple. Love knowing you, too.

AlanaSheeren January.20.2010 at 7.02 am

It's so lovely – and inspiring – to watch you growing into acceptance of your whole self. Coming here always makes me breathe deeply and smile.

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