Habit: Day 20

by Dian Reid-Jancic· Follow Dian on

I had the most amazing experience in my meditation this morning. I am literally in awe over the feeling that came over me during the last bit of it. Truth be told, I don’t know how long it lasted, I just know that when the meditation track stopped, so did that feeling.

I didn’t float above my body and see myself sitting in my living room, but it was as if I was not inside my body. I felt a sense of spinning, similar to the feeling I’ve gotten right before I faint (I’m no good with the sight of blood). It was like all the energy in my body was on a carousel ride, mixing everything up slowly, methodically, intrinsically into just the right composition. Energy was running coolly hog-wild in my body and I felt alive. Alive in a way I’ve never felt before. In a way that told me that no matter what happens to my body here in this life, that my soul will live on in energy for eternity. I feel like a crazy person, spewing make believe after an acid trip, but I haven’t taken acid in nearly 20 years. And even that was nothing like this.

I have so many questions and no answers. Is this something that should happen during every meditation? If so, why hasn’t it happened until now? If not, then why this time? Was it even real? What if I try to reach that place and I never get there again? Did I miss anything while I was there? And then all these things fade into: what’s the learning here?

That mediation is in the past. I can’t get it back. I can’t only take with me, the feeling that lingers from the experience. I can only apply it to my right here, right now. I can only be present with it. All the ‘what-ifs’ will never come true: there’s too many of them for me to even think of all of them. And all the whys don’t even matter.

What’s the learning? Meditation for me is about being present. About not getting caught up in everything that’s out there, but being very aware of everything within myself. Not judging what I see, but simply noticing, observing. I don’t need to know why anything happened in my meditation this morning. I just need to be aware of it.

Learning will come on learning’s time, not mine.

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